|Me:||Diba I told you not to call me "babe" na.|
|Me:||Cupcake? Seriously? Sa lahat ng puwede mo isipin, cupcake pa?|
|*logs out of skype*|
I saw a soldier and a lady wrapped around his arms. With her scarf entagled in his uniform, and the soldier’s hand, not letting go of the woman he loves. He almost had his fingers clawed on the woman’s back, but still delicately holding her. Behind the woman sat two duffel bags. I was thankful enough not to be able to see their faces that I’m certain had painted tears, forced smiles and complete sadness. I started to walk away.
I have tried so hard to ignore what I saw, but it just hit me so hard. A couple of glances and a few seconds had me crying.. I don’t know why, but no matter what I do, I just keep on coming back to that same situation I had with Zeke. Everything came flooding back in.
I can never recall how many tearful goodbyes I have experienced with Zeke in the first year of our relationship. I came to realize how bystanders react to my situation, just like how I reacted to the couple that I’ve witnessed earlier. I never really gave my time to think about that, not that I didn’t care - but the last time I had my goodbyes with him, I cried my heart out - just after saying our goodbyes to each other for a good twelve minutes. I think I have never looked so vulnerable and pitiful. Inevitable pain came with everything. Perhaps, I hated to accept that I miss being in that situation, where I can hold him in my arms and inhale his scent in the progress.
I miss him.
I miss his arms around me. There has been no equivalent to how he holds me; someone who doesn’t want to see me leave - someone who wants me to be with them. I miss his lips and the way he kissed me. Silently kissing must have been the loudest voice I’ve heard. I miss looking at him, that’s why somehow I have convinced myself that looking back while walking away is not that much of a good idea.
I didn’t want to breakdown, but I do miss him. I don’t miss sadness. I miss being loved.
Building a bridge, for you to be able to move on, doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to leave someone or something.
It’s difficult for me to trust people nowadays, well considering that they have the difficulty of trusting me, too. I don’t deny that, and all of the issues that went along.
I can no longer find the bliss I have found before whenever I’m with the people I care about the most. It’s like, everything has changed in a matter of sudden experiences and it’s not that easy to turn things around, anymore. Is it bad that I’m already convinced with the idea of letting things as they are, even if I’m much affected with them? I think with all of the things that took place and all of the damage that has been inflicted on me, I have become comfortably numb.
Everyday I try to think about how things would have been if I didn’t try to please people like I used to. If I just tried to be myself, the one who is brutally honest and seemed not to give a damn about what other people think. I am left with these thoughts and I’m trying my best to escape from them.
I am so scared.
Truthfully, I’ve been distracting myself with what I have in front of me with things that can damage me physically. But how long will I have to suffer and how long do I have to keep this up? I have to face these things eventually and need to have the courage to leap and surge forward. I just don’t want to hate myself for not being able to move on.
All I want is for me not to care anymore, but I find it to be that much of task, especially with the people around me. I just want things to be okay. I hope things will get better soon.
There are some days when I create this imaginary distance between myself and others. When all of a sudden, I think that everyone is against me and my mind creates situations where people leave me and eventually find someone better.
But there are days when the distance is real, that people leave me to actually find someone better. When memories start to eat me up whole and I just have to shut everything off for me to be okay.
|D:||You have no idea how much I'm miserable here. I don't tell you about it, so you don't have to worry about me.|
|Me:||You know what? That is exactly why I worry so much about you. You don't really tell me everything. You constantly try to do everything alone. You will eventually need someone.|
|D:||You know how much I don't want you to be stressed about with my own life and how I don't want anyone to help me.|
|Me:||You know what? When you told me a few days ago that you found a friend there, I was so relieved that there is actually one more person out there who can take care of you.|
I have grown from the fact that nothing has ever been handed over to me easily and that I have always had to do everything for myself; and I hate that sometimes. Maybe I needed to let other people help me, but I’m afraid that I’ll be too dependent. I think it’s just time to let people help when I need to, and when I don’t, just do things myself.