My counselor told me that I should reassess the relationships or the attachments that I have right now and that I spend time figuring out which relationships should I keep or cut.
Lately, I’ve been doing what she told me to do and I just can’t seem to be free from this baggage on my shoulder. This feeling that I am responsible for everything that is happening to the people I care about the most, especially the tough shit that they have been going through.
I just got off Skype with D about half an hour ago and we talked about this “relationship” that we have, or if we should consider getting back together. He told me that I should think about it.
To be honest, I still love him, even if there were a lot of misunderstandings lately and there was the lack of honesty. Actually, I was kind of hoping he will ask me to reconsider. I was still hoping that maybe we are worth another try. I’m thankful that he did.
But should I reconsider, after all of the bad things that happened between us and the new guy he’s been seeing and doesn’t tell me that much about? I’m just having the difficulty of trusting him again and this distance between us is so making me crazy. It’s only been two months but it feels like such a long time ago.
Is it me or I’m just acting crazy about all of the things around me? I seriously have no idea.
There is so much more to life than finding the perfect person who will define you or constantly being sad about someone who left you. You can discover yourself, even if you’re alone. You should be the one filling yourself up with love and not another person. Remember, there is happiness in being alone. Learn to be happy on your own. It does wondrous things.
The reason why I am not writing on this blog compared to how I used to, is because the haters sending me bad messages everyday is increasing every day and the amount of people who give shit about whatever I write seem to leave this blog.
Some of you have already noticed my unannounced inactivity and my slacker-self taking over. I am thankful for those who noticed and took the time in expressing their thoughts about it.
Also, I’m having a difficulty expressing myself in words, the thing I believed that I’m best at. For now, I can see myself more comfortable in expressing myself through photographs, but I don’t seem to have that much time to take photos anymore.
That’s also a thing. I don’t have enough time. No matter how much infinite as it may be, there isn’t enough time for the things we plan to do. Quite funny, isn’t it?
Perhaps I need a break or some way to unwind. Summer break is coming close and I think I will be able to get a piece of some “me time” during that period. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Don’t get me wrong though. I miss everyone here at Tumblr and those people who I get to talk to whenever I’m online. I need a break.
I sometimes feel that I am not that good of a friend or there is something wrong with me. It makes me think that my friends always have someone better and that I always end up unloved.
Perhaps the fear of letting people get too close overshadowed the whole thing, that whenever I really want people to get close to me, it feels like now, they don’t want to get close.
I just feel like I’m doing something wrong.
The day you realize that your feelings for me are not strong as they used to be, or that you have started to pull back, which became out of my reach, I merely ask for you to let me know. I know that it will be painful and I don’t promise that I won’t cry. It was the best thing someone from my past did for me. I have never seen it as really caring for me until now. I guess, as you grow older, you come to a lot of realizations about relationships and the concept of love. One of the lessons that I’ve learned is, love may end. It’s completely natural and okay, because we fall in love more than once. It has been so long now and after a lot of contemplating, I am certain to say that I have loved you so much. And you cared for me enough to tell me when you stopped feeling the same.
I will be forever thankful for that.
I find great nights rare and every time that I do have one, my mind can’t help but ponder and wander to bad thoughts; that eventually things won’t work out the way that I imagine it to be. As hard it is to be positive and optimistic, I will always try my best not to let negativity dictate my life.
There is something about night that makes it so lonely. The question inside my head keeps on repeating.
Will the loneliness be only temporary or be with me forever? Will there be someone who will be able to remedy this sadness? Will I be able to trust people again?